I have begun cooking. For those who know me: I will give you thirty seconds to stop laughing. Ok. No one told me how much fun it is and for this, I hate all of you. Anyway, as per tradition, here is my first recipe. If it doesn’t give you food poisoning that means I did my job.
This is the Str8burger. I’m calling it version 1.0 because I’ve only made it twice, though I almost fainted from the foodgasm both times, so I may need to revise it in the future. This recipe assumes you are making two burgers but if you’re a lonely motherfucker you can give one of them to your dog. Furthermore you should be able to easily extrapolate this to serve more than two people.
- Go to the least expensive supermarket in your neighborhood — this usually means the one where roaches join the customers in browsing the produce half-aisle — and pick up a couple of frozen hamburger patties. Yes, I know beef by itself (in non-patty form) is cheaper, but I don’t want to mess up the magic of this recipe by tweaking it too much. Ideally the package should be flecked in ice and the little of the hamburger that you can see through the plastic should look very fatty and cheap. You’ll also need some of those potato bun things, a block of unsliced cheese (sliced individually wrapped cheeses are for dickless yuppies and little crying girls; I use Muenster for no reason), a ton of spices, Worcester sauce, a bag of assorted lettuce (I used an ‘italian combination’ whatever that means and it was pretty good) and a ton of really fat bacon.
- Once home, put a pan on the stovetop on high, cut two strips of bacon into inch long pieces, and put them in the frying pan. Your hands will now be greasy and disgusting. Wipe them on your face. Leave this cooking until the bacon is desired cookedness, probably five or ten minutes. I like it not so cooked, other people wretch at that. Be sure to take your shirt off while you’re doing this, because sizzling bacon grease loves to splatter on your nipples and burn the fuck out of them, and that is part of cooking. You have to take the good with the bad. When the bacon is done, use a slotted spatula to remove the pieces and put them on some paper towels which will become really greasy.
- Microwave the hamburger patties for two or three minutes; they should be thoroughly non-frozen but not cooked.
- Take two of the potato bread bun things and schmear an imperceptible amount of butter on the “inside” sides. I don’t think this really has much of an effect so feel free to skip it. Put them face down on your George Foreman. Leave it open so you don’t crush your precious. In two or three minutes take them off, they should be a little toasted.
- Perform enseasoningation. Please note that a “whack” is defined as one large shake — enough to lightly cover two inches or so of burger. A “schmidge” is defined as a tiny shake — maybe about a quarter wide. Per side per burger, apply the following seasonings. Two whacks of garlic powder, two whacks of black pepper, one whack of salt, one whack of chili powder, one schmidge of paprika. If you have onion powder, apply a few whacks of that. This may seem like a lot and it is, but that’s all I know how to do, and besides most of it will disappear magically while cooking and leave your house smelling like shit for three days. By this point you should be holding a stinky, greasy, dripping burger. Apply a heavy whack of worchester to one side of both burgers.
- Use your cheese weapons to slice little pieces of cheese off your block and hold on to it for a minute.
- Place the meat on the George Foreman and close it. Wait five minutes or so. Open it. Shred a little corner. If it’s just barely the color of guts and mostly gray, throw the bacon and cheese on top. Try to make it something of a mountain. Close the George Foreman for like 30 seconds or so until everything is semimelty and then scrape those fuckers out and put them on the bread. If it’s not ready yet just wait, obviously.
- Squirt something on them; I use horseradish and a little mayo. Some people (mostly members of NAMBLA) like ketchup.
- At this point feel free to put anything else you might have in your kitchen on top; I’m thinking of trying scrambled eggs or Easy Mac.
- Put a big pile of lettuce on them.
- Put the top piece of the bun on and smoosh the whole thing down so it’s somewhat edible. It will be very messy, squirting everywhere. You’ll be laughing with glee.
- Present your dog his treat and try to convince him that he should eat it.
- Faint from the eatrection and subsequent foodgasm.
- Tell all your friends to read Str8bloggin.